Beyond Me..

I'm over friendship, I'm over love, I'm over heartaches, I'm over drugs. You tell me I was not there when you needed me, but I ask you, where were you when I needed proof? Proof that my identity had not become a thing of your past memories. Locked in the back of you head till you found the time to reminisce upon and then throw back in claiming no blame for the damage done. Forgotten like the broken promises you left me to sweep up. So I coughed up the dust and I moved on like the neglected child of a dead abusive mother. Shattered memories, broken glasses, mindless wishes, pierced hearts and bleeding thoughts. My insecurities could eat me alive but I have refused to let them do so anymore. My confidence you tore to pieces but I will never change and you will never accept me so I will no longer wait and I will no longer try. I have refused to give you the satisfaction of knowing your words have that effect on me. I have band aids cover the bruises I inflicted on myself, I beat myself up for you thinking I was no good. But now I see that it was your sight that was no good and so you couldn't see me, the good. You lacked the insight to see the potential we had together and I have the intellect to know now that it was just not meant to be. I am everything I am today, thanks to everything you said I'm not. So I'm patching up and I'm healing slowly and bravely, even if it requires some pretense. I'm tired of my lonely highs on cold bathroom tiles, free falling without care of losing myself because its not real. Its only a mirage of my desired pleasure for in the morning reality wakes up beside me and then slaps me across the face; She scars me with the knowledge of my suffering and she leaves me feeling low once again. My addiction is beyond my pain and my submission was all that could be compared but now I have nothing left to hold on to. Everyone thats come knocking Ive turned deaf ears to, each to me is only a potential thief I'm scared to open up to. So I build up walls and block them out I will not let them come in only to tear out my heart at the end of the day with apologies. I lack the strength to carry on on my own and So Ive converged into myself and I doubt I will emerge again. But until then, I'm over all the bullshit.

Its funny how this whole thing started off as an idea and eventually became a poem for Femme Fatale. I even changed the title, I called it Journey.